I was a very curious child. My inquisitiveness never bothered anyone as I was a shy child.
I used to observe and make my own inferences.My world was made up of my own concocted theories. I stood by them and they formed an important pillar of my rich imagination filled childhood.
The earliest mystery I solved was of our black and white TV set.The celluloid stars either dancing around trees or fighting with the bald villains were not of our size. They were small midgets who could fit in the TV screen. They were born differently from us. The cinema screen disproved all my theories when the same midgets became larger than life sized giants. The world was truly an amazing place.
The fighting doves with their ruffling feathers and the mysteriously stuck dogs yelling in agony drove me up to the wall. How could the messengers of peace fight with each other? Why would the best friends of human race get stuck to each other? Our efforts in separating such fight mongers succeeded with sticks and stones.
With the birth of my younger brother, I was drawn into intense debates with my friends about his origin. We later summarized that God made babies and put them in the protuberant bellies of our mothers. It was a simple logical explanation which solved our problem temporarily.
A class teacher in my fourth grade took a particular disliking towards me. I could not understand her at all. She liked my fellow class mate who was my arch rival. She spared no efforts in belittling me. When I topped that year, she dejectedly handed me my mark sheet. My arch rival came second but we were cool with each other. The reason for her biased favors towards him later dawned on me as I grew up. The wars and the riots based on religion perturbed me a lot. I had seen a movie in which three brothers belonged to different religions.They loved each other despite their religion. The world was getting more and more intriguingly complex with every passing day.
A strange phenomenon occurred when I ascended to the fifth grade. I used to get episodes of flushing, palpitations and breathlessness when a particular girl walked in front of me. It was a pleasurable sense of discomfort.It was a thrilling experience but I did not know anything about it at all. As years passed, I got used to such episodes, albeit with different girls in the walk of my life. After marriage, the sub conscience shut out such now pleasurable phenomena.
I used to hop often to the grocer or the vegetable market to fetch stuff for my mom. I used to wonder with wide eyes about the basis of such businesses. They procured stuff from other people and passed it on to us.
What was their purpose? The difference between cost price and sell price eluded my naive child like mind. The money banks used to be thought of as giant piggy banks just storing our money. They too had a purposeless existence.
Time has changed now.
I am an ageing 40 year old doctor with a family to look after. My hair is grey and they have seen many shades of summer and winter. I have mellowed down my inquisitiveness. I hardly get time to think over things. Each and every activity is in a form of a pre-programmed act. There is no more enthusiasm about knowing more in life. I have reached a stagnant plateau phase in life. I no longer ask questions or wonder with wide eyed gaze about the ever changing world.
Yesterday, my daughter came up to me and asked me a simple question.
'Why were we born?'.
This question rattled my senses and I shook my head in a state of disbelief.
Her question was beyond my realms of imagination.
Evolution had caught on and obliterated the child like innocent questions of the past. The kids now asked philosophical and meta physical questions.
I could not answer her question at all.
I have spent 40 years chasing the answer.
May be in death, I will answer the most important question plaguing mankind and realize the purpose of my life....
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
GURU DAKSHINA.
The ageing bespectacled lady walked into my room the other day as any normal patient would do and sat on the chair.
Her face bore a mask of pale gloom and her sallow eyes implied a lot of pain. Her sari was crisply ironed and the gold rimmed specs gave a semblance of dignity in her plight.
She called me "Appu! How are you?". I got startled and sprang up from my seat.
During the early 80s, any plump child was nick named Appu after the mascot of the Asian games which were held in our country with pride in those clean non corrupt days.
This lady was none other than my old primary teacher. I saw her after a gap of 3 decades and immediately nostalgic tears welled up in my eyes. I offered her coffee and we began chatting about my school and the good old days.
The purpose of her visit was gradually revealed by her in the next few minutes.
She had fallen upon hard times and was currently estranged from her husband since the last few years. She had retired from school and sustained herself giving home tuitions to primary students.She used to stay at her brother's place and contribute whatever she could to run their household.
She along with her brother had run into some bad debts to the tune of few lakhs of rupees.
I noticed that she was in grief but somehow there were no effects of poverty seen, she clarified that the tuitions used to give her a sustainable income for her livelihood.
She showed me a small diary which had non decipherable names of her debtors in scribbled writing. Her writing was so impeccably legible a few decades back..
She asked me for a sum of 20K rupees which she would return after 6 months. How she would gather this amount to return was a big question mark staring at me.
I assured her that I would revert in a day's time.
By evening I came to know that she had approached many of my class mates with the same request.
I was baffled and began to wonder about her state.
It was not a big amount for any of our class mates or me either but we had no idea about the fate of our money. She was earning for herself and the reason for her need of money was a bit of a mystery to me and just about everyone else.
There were no signs of illness or any disease in her, she appeared otherwise healthy.
I work hard and each and every penny counts.
I do a lot of charity for my poor patients. My native town relatives depend on me for their expenses. Our maids and drivers frequently borrow partially recoverable and returnable money from us. I have sponsored school fees of the children of our maids, driver, sweeper and a few watchmen along with ward boys. Many a times,I have let poor patients walk away scot free from my hospital.
I badly wanted to help my teacher but at the same time was not genuinely convinced about her need.She was not at all clear as to why her husband had left her and how she ran into such huge bad debts. I did not probe her further.
A round table meeting was held with my wife and mother. The ladies were in the favour of me giving the money on a non returnable basis. They told me to give the money and just forget about it.
The teacher called me the next day and I just could not muster courage to answer her call. When she called again, I bought time from her. I told her to give me a few days to decide. I can never say no to any one. Its my weakness. I will vacillate but never say no. Maybe a fear of over committing myself rules my heart and at the same time I do not want to outrightly deject someone.
Maybe, years of seeing people exploiting other gullible people like me for their own selfish motive has immunised me from empathy. I refuse to melt down like before.
The GURU-DAKSHINA will have to wait till then....
Her face bore a mask of pale gloom and her sallow eyes implied a lot of pain. Her sari was crisply ironed and the gold rimmed specs gave a semblance of dignity in her plight.
She called me "Appu! How are you?". I got startled and sprang up from my seat.
During the early 80s, any plump child was nick named Appu after the mascot of the Asian games which were held in our country with pride in those clean non corrupt days.
This lady was none other than my old primary teacher. I saw her after a gap of 3 decades and immediately nostalgic tears welled up in my eyes. I offered her coffee and we began chatting about my school and the good old days.
The purpose of her visit was gradually revealed by her in the next few minutes.
She had fallen upon hard times and was currently estranged from her husband since the last few years. She had retired from school and sustained herself giving home tuitions to primary students.She used to stay at her brother's place and contribute whatever she could to run their household.
She along with her brother had run into some bad debts to the tune of few lakhs of rupees.
I noticed that she was in grief but somehow there were no effects of poverty seen, she clarified that the tuitions used to give her a sustainable income for her livelihood.
She showed me a small diary which had non decipherable names of her debtors in scribbled writing. Her writing was so impeccably legible a few decades back..
She asked me for a sum of 20K rupees which she would return after 6 months. How she would gather this amount to return was a big question mark staring at me.
I assured her that I would revert in a day's time.
By evening I came to know that she had approached many of my class mates with the same request.
I was baffled and began to wonder about her state.
It was not a big amount for any of our class mates or me either but we had no idea about the fate of our money. She was earning for herself and the reason for her need of money was a bit of a mystery to me and just about everyone else.
There were no signs of illness or any disease in her, she appeared otherwise healthy.
I work hard and each and every penny counts.
I do a lot of charity for my poor patients. My native town relatives depend on me for their expenses. Our maids and drivers frequently borrow partially recoverable and returnable money from us. I have sponsored school fees of the children of our maids, driver, sweeper and a few watchmen along with ward boys. Many a times,I have let poor patients walk away scot free from my hospital.
I badly wanted to help my teacher but at the same time was not genuinely convinced about her need.She was not at all clear as to why her husband had left her and how she ran into such huge bad debts. I did not probe her further.
A round table meeting was held with my wife and mother. The ladies were in the favour of me giving the money on a non returnable basis. They told me to give the money and just forget about it.
The teacher called me the next day and I just could not muster courage to answer her call. When she called again, I bought time from her. I told her to give me a few days to decide. I can never say no to any one. Its my weakness. I will vacillate but never say no. Maybe a fear of over committing myself rules my heart and at the same time I do not want to outrightly deject someone.
Maybe, years of seeing people exploiting other gullible people like me for their own selfish motive has immunised me from empathy. I refuse to melt down like before.
The GURU-DAKSHINA will have to wait till then....
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