I was a heart broken person last year after my dad's demise.
I began to doubt the existence of God. A cascade of unfortunate events, resulting in multi organ failure had brought about my dad's downfall. He fought valiantly but God had already made up his plans.
During his mid life, he endured diabetes,heart and kidney ailments with an ever smiling face. In USA, a couple of years back a doctor called him a superman. He was a charismatic person and had his fan following wherever he went.
Why God could not give him an extension for a couple of years started eroding my mind. We all needed him, always by our side for his reassuring support.
I was upset with the almighty. All my prayers and beliefs came to a halt.
I was a devout believer but now I became an agnostic.
I just stopped praying.
After a couple of months or so, I got a home visit call.
A 80 year old man was languishing in the bed for the last 6 months. He had a series of brain strokes.He had become like a virtual comatose vegetable. He had become totally dependent. He had stopped speaking and only uttered indecipherable grunts.
At times, he used to open his eyes and stare at the ceiling. I saw the man and his poignant eyes just begged for salvation.
His soul desired liberation.
I went home and thanked God for not letting my dad suffer. He was a fiercely independent persona and such a state would have tortured him.
I closed my 'now open' eyes and resumed my prayers all over again.
God always has the best plans.
We realise it too late.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
TREADMILL OF LIFE.
It was a very uncomfortable day for me yesterday.
The day began with excruciating chest pain which radiated to my left arm and shell shocked me into believing that something was wrong with my heart. I am 40 years old and not growing younger everyday. The stresses of life and genetic factors would catch me up one day.
The echo and the blood markers mercifully came up normal. A treadmill test was planned during the latter half of the day. My family got worried and began crying. I too became a bit worried with their behavior. My thready pulse started soaring to new highs but my spirits were on a all time low.
The morbid fear of heart disease and the resultant disability gripped me lke a python.
My life had just begun and I needed atleast another decade to settle my kids who were still young. They also loved me and started crying.
I began running on the treadmill like there was no tomorrow with a prayer on my lips and a steely resolve to put all the doubts to rest.
The attending cardiologist, after 12 minutes begged me to stop running on the treadmill. He told me that I had run enough to pass the test. I refused and told him to max out the test. My pulse reached a dizzying 170 beats per minute yet I had neither chest pain nor any fatigue. After the test, he congratulated me on my stamina and heaved a sigh of relief. The graphs of the test were normal.
I was overjoyed and my family was mightily relieved. They started breathing again.God existed for me yesterday. When I got down from the treadmill, I sat down quietly in one corner and started crying. The cardiologist was surprised and rightly so.I should have been happy with the results of the test and my tears had a different reason for their origin.
It was a hot summer in 1997 when I was a MD resident in KEM hospital when my dad was seen in the opd for similar chest pain episodes. He was 55 years old, diabetic and a hypertensive smoker with a strict temperament to boot,thus fulfilling all the risk factors for germination of a heart disease.
As he walked on the treadmill, after 3 minutes he had chest pain and breathlessness. His rhythm became awry and his ST segments started rising indicating an evolving heart attack. The test was immediately aborted and the entire cardiac team rushed to the treadmill to check on my dad. He was pretty cool after the termination of the test and was unaware of anything going wrong with him. The HOD implored him to get admitted on the ICU and undergo an urgent angiography.I too pleaded with tears in my eyes.
He was made up of sterner stuff. He asked the HOD to prescribe some meds for him and calmly walked up to Parel station,climbed the overbridges and came home by train. I was a helpless mute spectator. I could never convince my dad or go against his wishes.
He was our Iron Man.
After a week, we could manage to convince him and he underwent successful stenting to his coronary vessels.He later underwent CABG after 5 years in 2003 which gave him further extension of life till september 2011.
He lived like a tiger, enjoying his life fully, smoking and weekend drinking, seeing movies, playing with his grandkids.
His entire life flashed in front of my eyes when I began walking on the treadmill yesterday.
I went home, hugged my kids and cried even more. The tears just never stopped flowing yesterday.
The day began with excruciating chest pain which radiated to my left arm and shell shocked me into believing that something was wrong with my heart. I am 40 years old and not growing younger everyday. The stresses of life and genetic factors would catch me up one day.
The echo and the blood markers mercifully came up normal. A treadmill test was planned during the latter half of the day. My family got worried and began crying. I too became a bit worried with their behavior. My thready pulse started soaring to new highs but my spirits were on a all time low.
The morbid fear of heart disease and the resultant disability gripped me lke a python.
My life had just begun and I needed atleast another decade to settle my kids who were still young. They also loved me and started crying.
I began running on the treadmill like there was no tomorrow with a prayer on my lips and a steely resolve to put all the doubts to rest.
The attending cardiologist, after 12 minutes begged me to stop running on the treadmill. He told me that I had run enough to pass the test. I refused and told him to max out the test. My pulse reached a dizzying 170 beats per minute yet I had neither chest pain nor any fatigue. After the test, he congratulated me on my stamina and heaved a sigh of relief. The graphs of the test were normal.
I was overjoyed and my family was mightily relieved. They started breathing again.God existed for me yesterday. When I got down from the treadmill, I sat down quietly in one corner and started crying. The cardiologist was surprised and rightly so.I should have been happy with the results of the test and my tears had a different reason for their origin.
It was a hot summer in 1997 when I was a MD resident in KEM hospital when my dad was seen in the opd for similar chest pain episodes. He was 55 years old, diabetic and a hypertensive smoker with a strict temperament to boot,thus fulfilling all the risk factors for germination of a heart disease.
As he walked on the treadmill, after 3 minutes he had chest pain and breathlessness. His rhythm became awry and his ST segments started rising indicating an evolving heart attack. The test was immediately aborted and the entire cardiac team rushed to the treadmill to check on my dad. He was pretty cool after the termination of the test and was unaware of anything going wrong with him. The HOD implored him to get admitted on the ICU and undergo an urgent angiography.I too pleaded with tears in my eyes.
He was made up of sterner stuff. He asked the HOD to prescribe some meds for him and calmly walked up to Parel station,climbed the overbridges and came home by train. I was a helpless mute spectator. I could never convince my dad or go against his wishes.
He was our Iron Man.
After a week, we could manage to convince him and he underwent successful stenting to his coronary vessels.He later underwent CABG after 5 years in 2003 which gave him further extension of life till september 2011.
He lived like a tiger, enjoying his life fully, smoking and weekend drinking, seeing movies, playing with his grandkids.
His entire life flashed in front of my eyes when I began walking on the treadmill yesterday.
I went home, hugged my kids and cried even more. The tears just never stopped flowing yesterday.
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